Best Laid Plans
Posted by: Janey on: October 17, 2008
I should be getting ready for work, or studying, or something productive.
But I can’t, because my brain won’t shut off. I’m trying to process the whys and the wherefores (hey, I like redundancy) of last night.
Every time is a learning experience, and I understand that. But what I don’t understand is the absolute and utter panic that I went through.
From the moment the gag went on, till the moment my hands were free, I couldn’t get control of myself. I was sensitive, overly so, to every movement, every word, every sensation. And all I wanted was for it to end.
I don’t mean in the “ouch, this spanking hurts; I want it to end” kind of way. I mean in the oh my god all of this needs to stop right now. And we have a safeword for that very purpose, right? So, I guess I didn’t really want it to end.
But in the end, I wasn’t okay. I’m still not okay.
But it’s a process, and in an hour, I’ll be lost in the din of a busy Friday night, and when I wake up tomorrow, it will all be okay.
Just keep that goddamned gag away from me.
(And just for those wondering, I did in fact win. But I didn’t claim my prize. I am a stupid girl, aren’t I?)
2 Responses to "Best Laid Plans"
October 20, 2008 at 7:33 am
I can’t give you a good answer on the ginger anyway. I was so overwhelmed with everything else that was going on, that besides the initial burn, I don’t remember how it felt.
I think I learned a bit of my limits this time out, and that is good.
I hadn’t made the connection between my spiritual struggles, and these, but there is definitely truth to what you say. I think it would be completely wonderful to just give in and submit, in matters of faith, and more so in the sexual realm, but I cannot deny that there is that streak that just screams to get her way.
That side of me that wants exactly what she wants and the side that wants to be put in her place and controled are always at war.
One of my problems is that I fail to understand why I cannot be perfect, and in every instance, just do what I know I should. I know why in that rational sense–human, not perfect. But I don’t know why we (I) can’t just be perfect and will myself to be so.
But as you said, we are all becoming. Some of us just become at a slightly slower, and more stubborn, pace.
October 18, 2008 at 1:27 pm
For as long as I have known you you have been caught between submission and rebellion. Granted the context has usually been religious as opposed to sexual, but you’ve allowed enough glimpses into your life that I think it is more a *you* thing than a *faith* thing.
You have that in you which longs to submit. But striving right along side of that is a fiercely independent streak that wants to live and explore and prove itself.
If you could ever reconcile those halves (without engaging the guilt that you seem to think you deserve merely for having those two halves) you would find a place of peace and serenity where mischief knew no bounds.
We are all becoming.
That is what this life is all about. Becoming. I think if you can discover what you’re becoming and get out of it’s way to let it happen, well, maybe my theosophy is messed up, but I think that’s the first step to the next life . . . and to truly enjoying this one.
Okay, well that’s the boring 2 bits from the random internet stranger who really doesn’t know you from eve anyway, so take it all with a grain of salt. I’ll wander away now and save my burning questions about ginger for later.